Beginning Again: An Update

Anxiety

I thought it was time for an update on the move. The current feeling I have is “scared shitless”. This week I have really felt under pressure and the stress of the whole move has started to get to me. I haven’t slept well and I’ve been struggling with anxiety. Each sleepless night is followed by a caffeine fuelled day which does nothing for the anxiety – I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending cycle. I feel like I’m drowning.

Every night I come home from work and look for jobs or complete job applications or study to try to improve my CV. I feel pretty hopeless in terms of finding a new job within the next 11 weeks. There’s time when I find an “ideal job” but I don’t have the necessary previous experience or I can’t start at the relevant times. Add to this the demoralising rejections or non-responses from the jobs I have applied to and all starts to look a bit grim – I’m definitely not as bright-eyed as I had started out this year.

Then there’s the move itself. We have to find somewhere to live which isn’t easy when I have no idea where I’ll be working. We need to be in London to actually be able to look at flats which is difficult when you live in Manchester and work full time. There’s the decision of whether or not we flat share – on the one hand it will restrict us and we will lose our own space which we are used to, on the other hand it will save us loads of money and help us meet new people. We need to think about physically moving our stuff to London in time for Sean to start in his new office and to start sorting out cleaning and fixing up the flat we live in at the moment.

I feel overwhelmed by the range of options available to us at the moment and the increasing pressure of “the big move” getting closer and closer. I want to go outside and run and run and run but it’s snowing at the moment so that’s a big fat no! There’s a continual battle of balancing everything out which, when you constantly feel exhausted is a huge challenge. Add to that a mix of anxiety and depression and it all becomes a bit too much. All I want to do is eat and sleep and cry and sleep some more. Right now I’d give anything to have a clear head. For my thoughts to make sense. To wake up and find out that my mind is my best friend again, and not my worst enemy. To shake off the constant pressure on my shoulders that bears down on me day after day.

In other news, I started on my Bucket List today and took my photo and made a note of not one, but two things that made me smile today!

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